émeraude〜海に魅せられた〜

Completely in love with every single aspect of this song. The piano riffs, the melody, the intro, the chorus...

EVERYTHING 

Days

There are days I get scared,
I get insecure,
I fear the future.
And it makes me want to run away,
to end it all.

But, that's silly, isn't it?
To end something on unfounded fears.

1 year 11 months.
It feels like we have gone nowhere from when we first started.
It feels like he's so far away.
It feels like I can't reach him while so many others can.
It feels like I'm not good enough.
It feels like someday, somebody will snatch him away.

Whether I'm in a relationship or not,
this sense of insecurity still lingers.
Like one day, it will all end. Badly.
Like I'll get betrayed.

Do I not trust him enough?
Do I not love him enough?
Do I not believe in us enough?

The problem isn't him. It's me.
It's always been.

It doesn't help that last night I dreamt that he was engaged. To someone else.
That he proposed to someone else.

I get scared.
After all, we're 5000km away.
Connected only by a phone application.
Who's to say nothing bad will happen?

Maybe I don't trust him enough.
But I think it's me that I don't trust.
I don't believe in myself.
I don't believe in what he sees in me.
I don't believe that he will like someone like me.
And I guess, until the day I can accept that,
maybe I'll always fear that one day he'll leave me.

HEART

After almost a year of procrastination, the song is finally done!

Not a bad attempt at rearranging it, if I say so myself.

Pray for Paris

The world's in shock, and grief, and anger over the attack on Paris.
I, for one, certainly am.

6 spots, simultaneously.
What angered me the most was that they planned that day and time, knowing full well there would be a match and a concert, and they went ahead and did such a despicable thing.

Despicable does not cut it.
I can't find a word that expresses exactly how I feel.

An act of Islam they say.
Your fucking ass.

Islam, nor Christianity, nor any other religion I know will demand of such a thing of their followers.
Do not use religion to justify your disgusting, dastardly actions.

So many lives lost...
Meaninglessly...
Innocently....

There is no justification to this.
It's an inhumane act, despised by God and man.

What is equally maddening, and sad,
is that so many people are playing the hypocrite game.

You talk about the Paris attacks, but you don't mention the Russian plane.
You don't mention Lebanon, or Beirut. You're such a hypocrite.

Seriously.
Now is not the time to be pointing fingers and calling names at people who actually do feel sad and enraged at the same time.
All that talk of #standasone #standagainstterrorism #standforhumanity #prayforworldpeace, and people do such things.
How about "hypocrite much" back at you?
We're all standing together, be it because of Lebanon or Beirut, or Paris, or UK or US, we stand together grieving the lost of innocent lives being taken away in such a gruesome manner.

Some people care more about a certain country and city more than others because of a certain reason.
That does not mean they don't care about others.
And just because they don't say anything about other countries/cities, does not mean they don't care.

Not everybody takes to social media to announce that they care.
So how about shoving that moral highorse attitude up the ass?

Such behavior in a time of international mourning is uncalled for.

Minami-Izu

S is on a Minami-Izu trip with his parents, and I'm major jealous.

Beautiful place, beautiful scenery...

Actually, I'm not jealous in the least lol.
Not kidding.
Precious, lone time spent with his parents.
How much more wonderful can he get?

If you asked me to go on a trip with my parents, imaginary ailments will befall me and I'll become the best person in the world at finding excuses to not go along with them.
They will spoil the entire trip for me, ugh.

I'd bring my grandaunt and granduncle along though,
in a heartbeat.

His dad hasn't been in good condition these days, and he had to get special permission from the doctor  to travel to the capital to visit their daughter-in-law and granddaughter,

S had to make last-minute requests about a change in setlist to the band members as well as for additional tickets for his parents.

It is quite worrying though, Papa Fujimoto's health...

S said this might be the last time his parents hear him sing on stage (noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo).

Please stay healthy and live long!

October update

Work hasn't been kind.
And one will think working flexible hours still allows me to do my own things.

It does,
just not recording.

That's about the last thing after dealing with kids for half the day.
I need my recharge moment.
Every. Single. Day.

It's a miracle I managed to squeeze in time this week then,
in between meeting friends for dinner (omo I missed ZW so very much!), cutting my hair, going for interview and other unforeseen situations,
to finish up filming HEART and record and film for the December upload.

2 KAMIJO songs in a row, but heck it.
I love KAMIJO, and it's quite an open fact.

Good-looking, good voice, hard-working, great songs, great melodies, good arrangements,
what else can I ask for?
He's the epitome of perfection.
Oh wait.
Tom Hiddleston is.

Argh.
They all are.
Perfection at its very best.

Those guys,
I'd marry them in a heartbeat.




Feels like so much has happened and I have not updated at all.
My latest post was an update about my latest upload, as I've been in the habit of just "advertising" my videos on my blog.
C'mon, my blog yo...
I get to do what I want...

S has inherited a BMW Z4 (yay! or probably NAY! in my case) from his brother,
and has completely clean forgotten about his human girlfriend.
The amount of time he spends fixing up his current "girlfriend" now is amazing...
From the little details about the bumper being the same color,
to sticking stickers over his tail-lights so they don't look as bright red and match the cool vibe of his car better,
to fixing the engine, and installing drive cameras for insurance purposes,
and driving it to 7-11 almost every single night just to take photos of her (like whut!?),
I've been completely wiped out of the picture.

I hate that car.
Or so I say...
But honestly,
seeing him post up pictures of the interior of the car...

I WANNA DRIVE IT!!!!!

That's what I say.
Gotta convert my license first though.
And even after that,
whether I have permission to touch that baby of his is another story.
Boo.

Love Letter

His belated birthday "present".
I guess you can say he has 2, the 1st being the cheesy birthday message and the 2nd is this.

I cannot put in words just how blessed I am to have him in my life.

Happy birthday once again darling,
and may we walk on this unending road of life together, forever.

Misleading love stories

So by now, everyone would probably have known about that prank my boyfriend played on me.
It nearly caused a breakup and the next WW3.

Ok, kidding about the WW3 part.

But I was furious.

Furious enough to nearly pick up my phone and tell him we're through, only to realize I got pranked halfway through while reading.

The embarrassing thing is.... I got jealous over a car.

I nearly broke up with him over a car.

OMG, ridiculous.

I'm absolutely ridiculous.

It's so embarrassing I can't even hide my face anymore.

So, here's an excerpt of what he wrote (translated of course):

It's been 12 years since the talk about my girlfriend, but I still remember it vividly.

2003

I used to go to Azabu and Roppongi frequently due to my music activities back then

One fine day

My girlfriend and I, we passed each other by at a cross junction

        

Ah~ she was so dazzlingly pretty

And......

I fell in love in an instant

However

To me back then, she was too far out of my reach.

It was a one-sided love on my part

Even trying to become close to her was out of the question.

This guy...

I seriously hate him at times.
Like when he wrote all that...
talking about his beloved new "girlfriend" the Z4.

Ugh.

And so, I decided...

to come up with MY OWN misleading love story.

Hmph.
2 can play the same game yo.



I still remember....

It was back in 1998 when you came into my life.

My parents and I were out, and we came across you.
You stole my heart straight away,
and even my parents approved of you at first sight.

You moved into our house 1 week later.

Thank you, for always being my side.
Even when we moved to a new home, you kept by my side,
without a single grumble.
You bore my complaints,
my tantrums
and you shared my joy and happiness.

It's been 17 years, but with just a single sound you utter,
I still fall in love with you all over again.














Misleading love stories for the win.

I was talking about my piano by the way HAHAHAHA.

4 October 2015 IGS Service

One of the best times I ever had playing for worship.

Perhaps it's because for once, I could use all the weird techno-ish synth patches in church (LOL).

Hillsong Kids, thank you! Hahahahahaha.

Good thing Pastor wasn't around, not sure what he'd say lololol.

We had quite a bit of problem during sound check as the monitors wouldn't work, and for some weird reason, my keyboard couldn't get sound (trust me, not my keyboard problem. I could see the signal on my keyboard).
Because of that, sound check took forever, and we barely had time to run through the songs.
Could barely hear myself on the monitors too, despite being maxed out on both the keyboard and console, so I just gave up.
As long as the congregation could hear me, I'll deal with the lack of volume on the monitors.

 The keyboard setup! 3 keyboards (all Yamaha by the way) lol.

Out of those 3, I'm only playing these 2. The single keyboard was played by Joshua.

I thought he improved quite a bit from the last time I heard him play.

Anyway, the 2 keyboards that I used was the church's Motif 7, and my MoXF8.

Love the Yamaha Motif series. Wide range of patches, and the user interface is really easy for live performances. Not to mention that Yamaha has improved tremendously in their sound samples.

The team for yesterday.

The worship band, the sound crew, together with the children who came down to dance.

Great job guys!

Happy Birthday

There are so many things I want to say that I had to write this entry months in advance.

Lest I forget, when things pile up and overwhelm.

I revisited his songs, while he was still a musician.

A vocalist struggling, suffering in the industry.

His lyrics were painful,

but then, neither of us are belong to the happy lyrics category (LOL).

And honestly, I just can't reconcile that with the guy I speak to via LINE.

4 years.

It seemed so long ago that he spoke of wanting to die.

And when I read his lyrics again, I get scared.

Scared that he may really leave.

And then I remember he's happy now.

With his new dream, with his job, with life.

And I really can't reconcile that with the guy who wrote those lyrics.

Even with the passing of time, those feelings he carried still remains in song.

And it feels like time hasn't moved on.

The time frame in between then and now does not register in my head,

and so I find it hard to put 1 and 1 together.

It's only when I hear his voice,

it occurs to me that those were his feelings of the past.

He's happy now, and that's all that matters to me.

To my man in Tokyo,

Thank you,

for being the half that makes me whole,

for being my missing puzzle piece.

Thank you,

for being the point of balance when I go off to the extremes,

my anchor when I drift too far.

Thank you,

 for being the calm to the raging tempest,

the voice of reason to the chaos,

the sanity amidst turbulence.
You are the angel to my inner demon.

Thank you,

for being my listening ear when I whine and complain,

and being my counsellor I turn to for advice.

Thank you,

for watching out for me, when I do crazy things,

even though we're 5000km apart.

You're the nagger I probably will never mind in my entire life.

Thank you,

for being the one who thinks like I do,

for believing in what I believe in.

For being the one who spurs me on towards my dream,

amidst naysayers who demand practicality.

You encourage me,

but you also warn me of the dangers lurking ahead.

We both live our lives working towards our dreams.

With our heads in the clouds,

but our feet firm on the ground.

With you,

I feel like all things are possible.

Like there's no mountain I can't climb.

Like I can conquer the world.

Thank you,

for continuing to live, so we could get to know each other.

So we could like each other.

So we could decide we wanted to be with each other.

Happy Birthday,

and may we spend all our birthdays together till the day we die.

Pedalboard

The LINE 6 POD spoiled on us last night.

And in the end, not only was our practice prior to the actual rehearsal cancelled,

I had to walk down to Matt's house to borrow his bass pedalboard.

The pedalboard is by ZOOM, and yes, it's a bass pedalboard.

But thankfully it can be configured for guitars too.

We were far too tired last night, so this morning I woke my brother up to figure out how to use the pedalboard and customize his patches.

Rehearsal, here we come!

摩天楼オペラ - 天上への架け橋を

この世で一番美しい薔薇よ

My favorite song in KAMIJO's latest album, so of course I had to do a cover of it.
And I really couldn't wait to get it out, so here it is =D

On a random note, pink hair still suits me right?
Much better than the lolita wig that looked really cute until I wore it (T_T)
I really can't pull that off (i_i)

Message

And this is why I'll always keep on doing music.
Even if it's not paid, and the stress is high, and I have to kill brain-cells rearranging and counting rhythm to score it out, then practice,
it's worth it,
It's worth it.

Even without the message.
The message is a bonus though lol.

Today,
for the first time,
I heard the rearrangement in its full glory.
Not perfect, but we are almost there.
And I nearly got goosebumps.
The MIDI in Sibelius can't compare.

So awesome.

SG50 - Our Golden Jubilee

As I sat in the comfort of my home watching the live telecast of the National Day Parade,
the huge words that said 'MAJULAH SINGAPURA' or 'Onward Singapore' at the venue suddenly struck me.

It was this very same venue that we first celebrated our merger with Malaysia in 1963.
It was our safety net, to ensure that we would be able to survive, since we were so small and had no natural resources of our own to ensure our survival.
But 2 years later, in 1965, due to irreconcilable differences, we cut ourselves adrift and became an independent nation.

We wept.
We worried for our survival and safety.
People scorned and said that we wouldn't make it on our own.

Yet a year later, we held our very first National Day parade.
At the very same place we celebrated the merger 3 years back.

Fast forward 50 years, we gather once again at the very same Padang, this place of historical significance,
celebrating our Golden Jubilee and proudly declaring "MAJULAH SINGAPURA".

This year, there was no Mr Lee Kuan Yew to join us.
And honestly speaking, it somehow felt incomplete to not welcome him like we did every year. With a thunderous standing ovation.
And to see the ever-getting-more-frail Mr Lee Kuan Yew, despite having trouble walking and balancing, still stop to wave to the crowd with a beaming smile on his face. The pride he felt displayed for all to see.
It marred the entire parade slightly, but we as one people of Singapore beamed with pride in his place.

Today, we came together as one people, one nation, one Singapore to celebrate, take pride and glory in our nation's Golden Jubilee.
We have come thus far, and may we continue to achieve happiness, prosperity and progress for our nation.
Without our founding fathers, the responsibility now rests on us to march onward and not regress.

Happy 50th Birthday, Singapore.
Despite all our complaints and dissent (because let's face it. We're never content),
there's still no place like home.

6th anniversary

6 years.

Time has come one full circle.
You passed away on this day too. A Sunday.
I remember very clearly, as if my memory of that day froze in time.
I remember I was playing for worship,
and I only found out the next day.

I remember denying it for days,
I remember convincing myself you'd wake up.
I remember 3 years later, I was still wishing you'd wake up.

It's ironic that this year, of all years,
the day of my country's Golden Jubilee year should be this year.

Why this year?
Why not any other year?

6 years.
Carried along by the tide of time, I have reached the same point where I was 6 years back.
With the same conflicting emotions I feel every year on this day.

Would you get angry if I don't mourn for you today?
Would you call me selfish if I decided to commemorate my nation's Golden Jubilee instead?

This year I can't even feel the grief I carried in my heart the past 5 years without you.
I guess somehow I'm slowly letting you go.
I guess somehow I'm slowly forgetting you.

But there's one thing I'll never forget.
I'll never this day.
I'll never forget 9 August 2009, when you left us so suddenly.
And as long as I still remember, I'll always dedicate this day to writing to you.

I wish I could say, "I still can't forgive you for that, leaving like that without warning."
But what's done cannot be undone, there's nothing to forgive when we can't turn back the time.

Rest in peace.

With love.

Episode

iOS 8

It's been 2 days.
I'm still very annoyed.

Thanks a lot, Apple.
And the whole bunch of imbeciles and nincompoops behind it all.
Screw you guys.

What happened was that I decided to use the patches in Sampletank (in my iPad) and my MIDI keyboard for church last Sunday as it had more and better patches.
After all, it worked before last year.
Shouldn't be a problem connecting, right?

WRONG.

I spent a good 10-15min wondering why the keyboard wouldn't connect to the app, and I was trying to figure out what was wrong.
After all, the MIDI function did blink when I plugged my keyboard in.
And I decided to screw it due to time constraint, and the whole band was almost done setting up.
And pulled out the church keyboard and set it up quickly.

Halfway through the service, it occurred to me to Google the problem (LOL. Google. Always a man's best friend!),
and I found out that there was a glitch in iOS8 that hasn't been fixed despite the numerous software upgrades.

There have been many users complaining on Apple forum for them to fix the bloody problem (many complaints dating back to 2014), but it's still not done.

Whole bunch of imbeciles.

I'm pissed off at Apple.
Very pissed off.

It just means that Sampletank and my MIDI keyboard are quite useless now that the MIDI connection in iOS 8 does not work.
There goes my lightest keyboard set-up ever. I'm gonna have to lug heavy, coffin-like keyboards again because of this.

I'm trying to downgrade back to iOS 7, but it seems that Apple has signed off the iOS 7, which means it's impossible to downgrade. (oh why in the world did I update the bloody software in the first place?)

Also, it doesn't help that the WIFI function on my iPad died on me (it totally grayed out. Hardware problem), so I can't update any app on my iPad. Ugh. Screw this. Maybe I'll just get a new iPad.

Screw you, Apple.
Screw you, whole bunch of idiots who took over Steve Jobs.
He dies and you guys drag his company downhill. _|_

HEART

So I finally finished rearranging and recording HEART.

It's about one of the hardest songs I've ever done,
and many times I wished I could just screw it and wondered many many times why people would be so mean to me as to request for a cover of this song,
but at the end of the day (or rather, at the end of procrastinating this song for 6 months), I'm thankful to all everyone who requested it.

Because of you guys, I pushed myself to new limits.
Killed my brain cells, but I really enjoyed the process (even though my brain was on the verge of a breakdown lol),
and I enjoyed the outcome even more.

The only problem is....

Reverbnation (because I refuse to pay for a subscription) only allows 8MB and less for a mp3 track.
And even the horrible 128kbps file was too big (no way!),
so I had to lower the audio quality even more... to finally (oh the horror!) 80kbps.
It was the highest quality possible that fit within the 8MB limit.

For anyone who is unable to handle such low-res audio quality,
please wait till the video is out.

I can't guarantee that the video will do the song justice though (lol).

Oblivious ~顔のない天使~

闇夜のライオン

This song took all the energy out of me.
I started recording this, feeling really full from my homemade oatmeal pancakes (ugh, I hate oatmeal cos it makes me so overly full, and it tastes horrible!),
and by the end of it, I got really hungry.

Bah.

And I thought Masquerade was bad.
Then came Louis 〜艶血のラヴィエアンローズ〜.
And I thought nothing could be worse than that.

Boy, was I wrong.

The problem with this song is the bloody recording level.
I kept recording the same line 10 000 times over, because I max-ed out the gain (at the expense of feedback), and the track level for the vocals and turned down the instrumental track but still couldn't hear shit.

I need a new computer and new equipments pronto.

P.S I LOVE U

I was listening to this.
And I started thinking.

If I ever had to go before S,
would I want him to find someone new and be happy with her?
Or would I prefer he keeps his promise of love to me even after death I did part?

Because for me, personally,
I would be the latter.

It matters not that our marriage vows state "till death us do part",
because for as long as I live,
even without him by my side,
I'd upkeep my side of the vow.

Even though legally speaking, I'm free from it.

For me,
it's simple reasoning.
I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of forgetting.

To love someone else,
I'm afraid of that person taking his place,
doing what he used to do with me,
slowly erasing those sacred memories that belong to just the two of us.
Even though I know full well every person is unique, and no one else will ever be another him.

I think,
for me,
even after death,
I never want to forget.
I want to continue holding on,
to those precious memories we all know will slowly fade.
Clinging desperately to them like a shipwrecked person would a driftwood.
So he never gets erased.
From my mind nor my heart.

I'd choose to live in the endless grief of losing someone,

berating myself daily as the pain lessens,

berating myself to carrying on without him,

berating myself as memories start to fade,

than find someone new.

Cos regret and the constant berating of myself is nothing new to me,

but to find someone else, who will replace his position in my life, is something I can and will never forgive myself for.

Wouldn't it be,

the ultimate betrayal,
to love someone else after pledging your eternal love to the one-and-only?

But if I were the one dying,
I think I'd want him to be happy.
Rather than keeping those painfully beautiful memories,
I'd rather he move on with life.
Even if I can't do it myself.

Saying that though,
whether he finds someone else or not,
to me,
would be a test of his love for me.
If he finds someone else, it'd show how much I mean to him.
No matter how much time has passed since my passing.

But if he doesn't,
it'd show his dedication and love to me.
And honestly,
if he ever kept his promise of love to me that way,
I think I'd be very happy too.

Not sure.

It's conflicting.
It's truly conflicting,
but I guess in the end, I'll support him in whatever decision he makes.

We've never discussed this,
I wonder if we should.
It's quite a morbid topic, and I'm trying to figure out why I'm writing such somber thoughts in the middle of the night.

Romantique

Violet Rain

I was recording a song for the August youtube upload.
Actually, this August I plan to upload 2 songs.

It's hard to choose.
The same day, but 2 vastly different events; 2 conflicting emotions.
Which should I choose?

But this year, being SG50, and a memorial for Mr. Lee Kuan Yew,
I finally decide to do a video to commemorate National Day.

Yet I can't forget the day you left us.

It's been 6 years.

I lose count of the years since you left,
but now, thinking back and counting back,
I remember.

You left the year I reached adulthood.
I remember thinking that if this is how adulthood was like, I wished I never reached that age.

But it came.
And with it came a storm.
A storm so strong it shook my beliefs, my being.
That day, I turned against the world and I lost my way.

6 years.

I look back to Violet Rain, S' song for you.
Back to our thoughts, our feelings, our grief.
His lyrics were raw emotions, his true feelings at that point of time.

He was a year older than I am now.
But we both wished the same thing, didn't we?
We both wished the same thing.

Why you?
Why not me?

To the 2 of us,
who each wished to erase our existence,
till now, I cannot find the answer.

Truth be told,
I honestly rather it be me, than either of you.

Our paths were thorny,
full of pain, bitterness and hurt.

But life works in funny ways.
Those who wish never to have been born,
those who wish we were dead still live,
while those fighting to live die.

4 years ago,
S found it in him to move on.
From his dream, your dream, and to pursue a new dream.

A man must always have dreams, and goals, right?

2 years ago,
I found it in me to finally let you go.
4 years.
It took me 4 years to move on.
Even now, sometimes I wonder if I've really moved on.

Somehow,
slowly but surely,
we both found the happiness we'd been searching for.

2 broken halves, each finding the other to make us whole again.
Finding our chance at happiness.

Perhaps that, was the reason why we were made to carry on living.

Sometimes I wonder,
where would we be if circumstances were different?
Would we still be living in pain?
Wishing every day we were dead,
Would we really have ended our lives,
or would we have found the strength to move on?

Things like these, no one will ever have the answers.

The 2 of us, we avoid talking about you.
I guess our grief is personal still.












Thank you for watching over us.

Rest in peace.

Louis 〜艶血のラヴィエアンローズ〜

Did this for fun, but I'm seriously happy with it.
I think my vocals have improved, not in terms of tone, but expression.
I no longer sound wooden (lol).

Friends

Had one of the best times ever with new friends on Friday night.

They made a horrible week a good one.

So much so that I'm having withdrawal symptoms now that they've gone back to Japan.

Thank goodness for LINE.

Best app ever in my opinion.

Why do Singaporeans still keep to whatsapp? Ugh

It was a simple dinner.

That was paid by the guys.

Something that I still can NOT reconcile with by the way.

Must be something in my DNA that doesn't agree with the fact that my guests paid for my meal despite me being the host.

Even though, really, I know it's in their culture.

Still...


They even wanted to send us to the MRT station cos it was late at night.
Super sweet dudes.

We took a short walk into Clarke Quay, and walked out cos Music Matters Live was too noisy (lol).

Showed them Turkish ice-cream,

Mostly for the performance of it,

And Kazuki (and I only mention Kazuki cos I was walking with him all the way after we came out from the izakaya) was completely fascinated (lol).
His constant exclamation of 「すごい！」says enough hahaha. 

Watched people riding the reverse bungee and I was really freaking out.

Seriously.

I was covering my eyes the whole time round until it got less scary.
Kazuki was laughing at me while being in shock at the same time (「おぁぁ！怖い！」) watching people catapult into the sky.

One of my best nights indeed.

Of Sleepless Nights 眠れない夜

I hesitated writing.

Should I say it? How should I say it?

My heart is anxious.
Of things unknown.

Silly, I know.
But isn't it normal to feel like that?

Although, to be honest, I don't remember the last time I felt this way.
I hardened my heart, I bulldozed my way through the random setting in of the "I don't wish to work today" feeling.
I conveniently focused on the more important thing.

Perhaps that's why things are starting to explode in my face.

When did I feel this uncertain?
Probably when I was still in college, working for my diploma and degree.

It was for a reason completely different from S' when I planned to completely cut ties with music 2 years ago.
Obviously it never worked out.

But yes, there have been times I get so jaded I want to quit.
Do something "normal" that my parents always insist on.
Which usually means sitting in an office doing 9-5 jobs on business or finance or marketing or the bullcrap of that sort.

I'm not left-brained.
I may be practical, but I definitely can't do such rat-race jobs for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately, I belong to the "unstable job" category.

And because of that, I'm always the black sheep of the family.
Their biggest disappointment.
The oldest but the most "insensible" one.
The one no one should ever follow.

S once got so jaded in the music industry he ever mentioned he contemplated the thought, "I want to die."

I did too before, you know.
Many years back when I was still an emo teenager.
I got over that in my 20s.
And so I thought he was just being an emo kid like I was back in the past.

I thought I got over it.
But in the face of real life problems,
when nothing seems to be working out at the pace you want it to,
I get jaded again.

So much for saying "I'll live for both our dreams!"

I finally got around to trying to expand it,
but the future is unknown.

And I guess it's the uncertainty that is causing the anxiety that is eating away in my heart.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
That's what they say.

But what happens when the people who are supposed to encourage you, tear you down because your dreams are simply "impractical"?
And "you need to support the family cos we're going to retire soon whether we want to or not."

Yes. Companies in Singapore lay off people once their "retirement age" comes.
Or they cut the salary of these people drastically.

Even though the government has been trying to stop the trend.

Not very successful I must say.

I want to give up.
But I don't want to give up.

S did. He gave up his dream.
And moved onto another.

It's easy for him though.
He has a hobby apart from music that he decided to pursue as his career path.
So basically, he swapped his dream and his pastime.

What do I have apart from music?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I can't quit even if I desperately want to.
I have no other skills, no other hobbies to ensure my survival.

"I want to die."

When one says it in their teens,
It's usually over stupid things.
When the reality of life hasn't hit you in the face just yet.

When you're almost hitting 30 and you think "I want to die",
It's not a very good sign.

It's stupid I know.
But sometimes I get tired of fighting back.
I get tired of fighting the people who say they are "supporting" me but wear me down each day.

And recently I too, have started thinking again, "I want to die."

Death, will perhaps make things easier.
No, it definitely will.
For your sake. Not so much the others'.

But it doesn't really matter, does it?
Sometimes I think, vindictively, maybe my death will "teach them a lesson".
But then again, maybe not.

On the other hand though,
Death is the coward's way out.
I've fought through and I've conquered.
And I'm not about to give up now.

Still,
That thought plays around in my mind,

Swirling, hinting.
Like the devil's pastime.

Vidoll - 10年後の今日此処デ・・・

New video is up! If you like it, please like and share it. And add some comments/suggestions/feedback =) I won't bite, I promise.

I can't bite either. I'll be eating my laptop or my phone if I do. Lol.

HEARTACHE

Mr Lee Kuan Yew

Then the Lord said to him, “This is the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob when I said, ‘I will give it to your descendants.’ I have let you see it with your eyes, but you will not cross over into it.” (Deut 34:4 NIV)

Moses was a hundred and twenty years old when he died, yet his eyes were not weak nor his strength gone. (Deut 34:7 NIV)


Now Joshua son of Nun was filled with the spirit^[b] of wisdom because Moses had laid his hands on him. So the Israelites listened to him and did what the Lord had commanded Moses.
Since then, no prophet has risen in Israel like Moses, whom the Lord knew face to face, who did all those signs and wonders the Lord sent him to do in Egypt—to Pharaoh and to all his officials and to his whole land. For no one has ever shown the mighty power or performed the awesome deeds that Moses did in the sight of all Israel. (Deut 34:9-12 NIV)

After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, the Lord said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ aide: “Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them—to the Israelites. I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates—all the Hittite country—to the Mediterranean Sea in the west. No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. Keep this Book of the Law always on your lips; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” (Joshua 1:1-9 NIV)

Words cannot express the amount of gratitude I have for Mr Lee Kuan Yew.
Even if there were words, I wouldn't know how to say them or pen them down.
Things like these leave my heart and mind jumbled up,
unable to find words to describe how I feel, let alone form grammatically correct sentences.

The day is still the same.
The sun still rises from the East.
And sets in the West.
It still beats down on us mercilessly.
People still go about their daily lives - grocery shopping, working, cooking etc. You name it.
This scenery I wake up to everyday still looks the same.
Nothing has changed.
Yet, today, the scenery had a sort of gloom.
Despite the hot sun shining brightly in the sky,
the gray cast was evident.
Not visually, but I guess we all felt it in our hearts.

Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me,
Maybe it was my heart that painted everything gray.
But even the bright sunlight upon us couldn't dispel the gray shadows cast over this sunny island.

Nothing seemed different.
Yet everything felt different today.

I knew this day would come.
And I'd somewhat been expecting it.
But I never expected that, despite the knowledge of it all, I would feel this way.


I am sad. Yes.
And I can tell you, I never expected to be.


One People. One Nation. One Singapore.
We can only move forward together, and continue building upon your foundations.
In this country that steadily growing in dissentment,
Honestly speaking,
I don't know how many of us still remember this line.
But for those who do, let us strive towards it.

To our Founding Father, Mr Lee Kuan Yew.
Your legacy lives on.
Rest in peace.

Checkmate

Sometimes I think either I take my bf for granted, or he takes me for granted.

Seriously, I will start talking to him about a certain guy and say he's handsome,

Or talk about my guy friends and what we did,

Or talk about some guy who wants to court me,

And he is NOT in the least jealous.

Either he trusts me too much,

Or he's too used to this,

Or he just. doesn't. care.

LOL.

While I keep trying to add oil to a flame that doesn't even start to burn.

What the heck.

What's the fun in this?

At least get a little jealous lah!

I have a higher chance of meeting the handsome policeman more than you, know.

Walao...

Or maybe not. -.-

Singapore may be small, but it ain't that small when you want coincidence to come your way.

Anyway, new song.

Yes, I recorded every single instrument heh heh heh.

My keyboard is awesome *ahem*

I love my babies. Really.

PRESTO (acoustic version cover)

Craft

Went back to my alma mater to meet up with one of my lecturers, Belinda.

I honestly miss them so much.
We really hardly get to see each other now once students graduate.

So, I basically did a quick summary of what I'm doing now, and she supports it.
It makes me feel like I'm on the right track when people in the industry tell me things like that (lol).

First and foremost is always our craft.
So we should always be looking to hone it.
Teaching is just an outlet of sharing our craft, but it never is, and never will be the craft itself.

And that was the reason why she supports me doing private teaching.
Cos I have free time.
A lot of it.
And a lot of it this week went into recording. And filming.
And practicing.

Indeed.
Honing my performing craft comes first.
Then comes sharing it via teaching.


On a different note,
some idiot was being an asshole and trying to sow discord based on WW2.
Like WTF.

WW2 is long over.
Why be so stupid to ask "how (does) it feel like to live in a country that bombed yours?"

Honestly,
what is that for?
I'm pretty sure everyone's gotten over all that resentment of WW2.
Even my grandparents who lived through it.

It's like, "Oh, you shouldn't go to Japan, nor should you date one, cos they killed our men and raped the women during WW2."

Fuck you lah.
We're no longer living in 1942 yo.

Fyi, S is Japanese.
And nobody gives a shit about anymore about what happened in 1942.
The past is past.
No point looking back, when all we should do is look forward.

サクラ、散る・・・

Yes, videos are finally back.

Saying that, I've been spending quite some time with my first love this week.
By "first love", I mean my piano and my keyboards.

S can't compare hahahahaha.
He knows he can't compare either.
That's why he doesn't stop me from doing music even though it's a reminder of his dark days.
Even though we call it his "dark days", he still loves music. Hahahaha.

At least, he'll always have this "jukebox" for when he wants to jam.

2015

Had a lot of X'mas gifts last year.
A lot, as compared to the previous years.
But not a lot as compared to what many others get.

But I'm fine, ya know.
As they always say, it's the thought that counts.
And my gifts were all indeed well thought out by the givers themselves.
So I'm grateful.

Even more grateful for this.

It was probably the most unexpected of all.

Happy New Year from the 2 of us!
No singing into the phone in public and making a huge fool out of myself this year.
Just a simple text wishing each other happy new year, hahaha.

Amazing what a change in status can do to us.
No more crazy surprises.
Simple, straight to the point.

New year, new collage (always destroying photos LOL. We looked so good before all this too)
Since cannot meet, so cannot do a two-shot.