Of Sleepless Nights 眠れない夜

I hesitated writing.

Should I say it? How should I say it?

My heart is anxious.
Of things unknown.

Silly, I know.
But isn't it normal to feel like that?

Although, to be honest, I don't remember the last time I felt this way.
I hardened my heart, I bulldozed my way through the random setting in of the "I don't wish to work today" feeling.
I conveniently focused on the more important thing.

Perhaps that's why things are starting to explode in my face.

When did I feel this uncertain?
Probably when I was still in college, working for my diploma and degree.

It was for a reason completely different from S' when I planned to completely cut ties with music 2 years ago.
Obviously it never worked out.

But yes, there have been times I get so jaded I want to quit.
Do something "normal" that my parents always insist on.
Which usually means sitting in an office doing 9-5 jobs on business or finance or marketing or the bullcrap of that sort.

I'm not left-brained.
I may be practical, but I definitely can't do such rat-race jobs for the rest of my life.
Unfortunately, I belong to the "unstable job" category.

And because of that, I'm always the black sheep of the family.
Their biggest disappointment.
The oldest but the most "insensible" one.
The one no one should ever follow.

S once got so jaded in the music industry he ever mentioned he contemplated the thought, "I want to die."

I did too before, you know.
Many years back when I was still an emo teenager.
I got over that in my 20s.
And so I thought he was just being an emo kid like I was back in the past.

I thought I got over it.
But in the face of real life problems,
when nothing seems to be working out at the pace you want it to,
I get jaded again.

So much for saying "I'll live for both our dreams!"

I finally got around to trying to expand it,
but the future is unknown.

And I guess it's the uncertainty that is causing the anxiety that is eating away in my heart.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
That's what they say.

But what happens when the people who are supposed to encourage you, tear you down because your dreams are simply "impractical"?
And "you need to support the family cos we're going to retire soon whether we want to or not."

Yes. Companies in Singapore lay off people once their "retirement age" comes.
Or they cut the salary of these people drastically.

Even though the government has been trying to stop the trend.

Not very successful I must say.

I want to give up.
But I don't want to give up.

S did. He gave up his dream.
And moved onto another.

It's easy for him though.
He has a hobby apart from music that he decided to pursue as his career path.
So basically, he swapped his dream and his pastime.

What do I have apart from music?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I can't quit even if I desperately want to.
I have no other skills, no other hobbies to ensure my survival.

"I want to die."

When one says it in their teens,
It's usually over stupid things.
When the reality of life hasn't hit you in the face just yet.

When you're almost hitting 30 and you think "I want to die",
It's not a very good sign.

It's stupid I know.
But sometimes I get tired of fighting back.
I get tired of fighting the people who say they are "supporting" me but wear me down each day.

And recently I too, have started thinking again, "I want to die."

Death, will perhaps make things easier.
No, it definitely will.
For your sake. Not so much the others'.

But it doesn't really matter, does it?
Sometimes I think, vindictively, maybe my death will "teach them a lesson".
But then again, maybe not.

On the other hand though,
Death is the coward's way out.
I've fought through and I've conquered.
And I'm not about to give up now.

Still,
That thought plays around in my mind,

Swirling, hinting.
Like the devil's pastime.