It's just amusing..

On Now (Ameba's version of twitter), I follow someone who has already passed on.

What is even more interesting is that the function only came out beginning of December, but he left us in August.
And looking at his number of followers, I can't help but wonder...

What are we expecting?
What are we hoping for?

I mean, we all know there is no way he will tweet there.
So why do we follow him?

It's really quite amusing, yet at the same time,
there's a tinge of sadness in it.

I think, maybe the answer to that,
is that we are unwilling to forget him.
We are unwilling to believe the sad truth.

I should change "we" to "I", shouldn't I?
Lol... Cos I'm speaking for myself.

Even if I can walk on my own now,
Even if I've learned to let him go,
I don't want to forget him.

It's like, if I follow him, it'll seem like he's still here.
It's like I'm building another world, another world where he still lives.

But then, ironically,
I realized I've slowly come to terms that he's not here anymore.

Thinking back of not too long ago, when it was so painful to see 4 people in a band instead of 5,
It seems that now I've come to accept it.

And it scares me.

Cos it feels like I'll forget him one day.
He'll become nothing but faded memories of long ago.

Yet, it's the right thing to do, isn't it?
To accept and to move on...

VII-Sense

おめでとう。

やった２００７年の夢できたね。

VII-Sense頑張ってね。

大好きな親友、VII-Senseのヴォーカル、頑張って。

Congrats.

Your dream since 2007 is finally fulfilled.

All the best to VII-Sense.

All the best to you, best friend, and VII-Sense's vocalist.

Serenade

The night where I cannot sleep goes on...
I want to see you.
The interrupted time is depressing,
My song is long.

There were no suspicions, far away
On the road we walked.
Hey... we had a promise, right?

No matter how high the wall, we crossed over it
Why are you not here anymore? I want to see you...

Like this, to my heart,
Everything is problematic,
So how far should I go?
I can't walk anymore...

Because I met you in a dream, that dream will
Cruelly disappear again
Yes, just like a falling star...

That brilliant light has stopped.
And in the east, the night sky cries
My heart began to seethe,
And the door opens...

If I can meet you again someday,
Will I be able to see?

No matter how high the wall, we crossed it and came here
Thank you, you can sleep now, because I can walk on my own

The dream in which I saw you returns to my heart
Surely, someday, the night sky will lead to the dawn
My shaking heart will return to my warm chest
It's okay like this - I can walk, and the far-reaching sounds pierce the darkness.

I wonder.. will I be able to sing these words one day?
Because I've don't think I've crossed that high wall yet,
Because I don't think I can say "I can walk on my own now".
Because even now, I think I'm holding you back.
Unable to let you go.

But I'll learn to let you go.
To let you sleep.
To walk on my own.

Even if tears flow together with the memories of you,
I'll smile because the memories of you are beautiful.
Because you are beautiful, and you make the memories beautiful.
Even though the time we had together was short, but it was beautiful.
And I'll hold on to the beauty of these memories.

Let me always remember the beautiful memories of you.

From 5 to 4

Continuing with their lives, and the promise made by the 5 of them...

Now, the first album ever since their major debut is completed, and the photoshoots and costumes are done.

Except, now I see 4 people in the band instead of 5.

I wish I can be a spoilt brat and say no, that this isn't the way.
If the band wishes to take a photo, he has to be there as well.

But this isn't the way is it?

But it feels so different, there's one missing.
Just like how there's one name missing when I pray.
Only right now, seeing it visually, reality kicks in real hard.

It doesn't feel right without you.
Why is it till now you still aren't allowed to come back?
Why is it till now I'm not allowed to take your place?

From 5 to 4...
It feels so wrong.
Won't you just come back to make things right again?

*bitter laugh*
Why am I saying such selfish things again?
Didn't I always tell myself that you'd be happier up there?

I'm sorry...
I'll learn with to live without you.

V-Rock Fes

ねぇ、

V-Rock Fesを見ましたか？
アナタのバンドを見守ってるか？
感想は？
喜びますか？

安らかでいてね。
私達必ず強く生きて続けてるよ。

愛を込めて、
憂離

I miss you so much

I was reading through the jokes that you wrote in your notebook, those that your family published on your blog.

Some of them I heard you tell them to me before.

And oh... how I remember I used to roll my eyes at those lame jokes of yours (lol)
At those oh-so-lame puns, ha ha.

I miss you telling them to me now.

Even though your family says, when I'm lonely, read these jokes and look up to the sky, and I'll feel you.
But I think...

reading these jokes without the one who created them here to tell them to me makes me even more lonely.

At least I survived the end of September and the first few weeks of October.

I kinda regret rolling my eyes at those lame puns I understood.
Those I didn't, I guess you could tell I was laughing without understanding out of courtesy *sheepish smile*

Crap, ya know how long it took me to read and understand them? lol...
I finally took my time to scrutinize them and try my best to understand them (after so long, lol)

Some of them are really funny.
Some of them sounded like tongue-twisters to me. (actually, almost all of them did =P)

オラウータンがテッポウをもって言った「オラ、うたん！」
Orauutan ga teppou wo motte itta 「Ora, utan!」

シャベルカーはしゃべるか！
Shaberukaa ha shaberu ka!

ニンジャは何人じゃ
Ninjya ha nan nin jya

I know, I know!! They're still really lame.

I worried...

Thinking you guys might cancel the show again.
Cos you know, the 4 of you are the ones I worry about most now.
Your emotions, your future. The road you guys are going from here.

But you didn't.

We held on to our promise, to our decision, and moved on from the last chapter.
Even though everything before us seems so uncertain, so black.
Yet slowly, uncertainly, we are taking a step forward.
One step at a time, not daring too far into the future, not knowing what the future holds, where it will bring us.

But nonetheless, it's a step, and I'm proud of you guys for that.
Let's continue taking the next step forth.

『心のアメ』

心のアメ - YURI

させた約束覚えてるか？
何故か先に去った？
悪夢だけだと言ってくれて
お願い･･･起きて
saseta yakusoku oboeteru ka?
naze ka saki ni satta?
akumu dake da to itte kurete
onegai... okite
Do you still remember the promise we made?
Why did you leave before me?
Tell me it's just a bad dream
I'm begging you... Please wake up

涙さえも　傷は消えない
いつまでも　悲しみだけ
何度も叫んでも　帰らぬアナタ
凍えた身体を抱いて泣いてる
namida sae mo kizu ha kienai
itsumademo kanashimi dake
nando mo sakende mo kaeranu anata
kogoeta karada wo daite naiteru
The hurt and even the tears, they won't disappear
Even now, there's only sadness
No matter how many times I cry out, you won't come back
I'm crying as I embrace your cold, lifeless body

毎日泣いていた
最期に「さようなら」と言わなかった
また会おうかな　大好きなアナタ
もう一度声を聞かせて
mai nichi naiteita
saigo ni "sayounara" to iwanakatta
mata aou kana daisuki na anata
mou ichido koe wo kikasete
I was crying every day
In the end, I didn't say "goodbye"
Will we meet again, you whom I love
Let me your voice once more

涙さえも　傷は消えない
いつまでも　寂しさだけ
何度も叫んでも　聞こえぬ声を
凍えた身体を抱いて泣いてる
namida sae mo kizu ha kienai
itsumademo sabishisa dake
nando mo sakende mo kikoenu koe wo
kogoeta karada wo daite naiteru
The hurt and even the tears, they won't disappear
Even now, there's only loneliness
No matter how many times I cry out, the voice I can't hear
I'm crying as I embrace your cold, lifeless body

闇に沈んで　灰になる
yami ni shizunde hai ni naru
Sinking into darkness, I turn into ash

涙さえも　傷は消えない
いつまでも　悲しみだけ
何度も叫んでも　帰らぬアナタ
凍えた身体を抱いて泣いてる
namida sae mo kizu ha kienai
itsumademo kanashimi dake
nando mo sakende mo kaeranu anata
kogoeta karada wo daite naiteru
The hurt and even the tears, they won't disappear
Even now, there's only sadness
No matter how many times I cry out, you won't come back
I'm crying as I embrace your cold, lifeless body

涙さえも　傷は消えない
いつまでも　寂しさだけ
何度も叫んでも　聞こえぬ声を
凍えた身体を抱いて泣いてる
namida sae mo kizu ha kienai
itsumademo sabishisa dake
nando mo sakende mo kikoenu kodou wo
kogoeta karada wo daite naiteru
The hurt and even the tears, they won't disappear
Even now, there's only loneliness
No matter how many times I cry out, the voice I can't hear
I'm crying as I embrace your cold, lifeless body

「さようなら。また会う日まで・・・」
"Sayounara. Mata au hi made..."
"Goodbye. Till the day we meet again..."

"Move on. We'll meet again."

The song has been completed.

It was unexpectedly beautiful. In all honesty, I thought my vocals would destroy this beautiful piece of music, but it didn't.

I said I would close this chapter with the completion of the recording of this song.

But I didn't expect to finish the song so soon.

Maybe it was fated that I should complete the song on the same day as the wreath-laying ceremony so that there would be proper closure even for me who didn't go.

When the morning begins, I'll be in the next chapter.

Somehow, I have mixed feelings about this.

I know it's time to move on, but I'm afraid that I'd lose you if I moved on.

Somehow, a part of me hopes the night will never end.

Still, the morning will come.

And with that, I'll face the world properly once again.

At the very least, I'll try.

Today, on this day of your wreath-laying ceremony, 09/22, I send you this song.

As a departing gift. As my way of saying goodbye.

Even as I look at the silver rose on my finger, I heard you telling me,
"Move on. We'll meet again."

It's a promise.

Till we meet again.

「お別れの会」(献花式)

Once again, I'm sorry.

Can't make it for the wreath-laying ceremony.

Last night, I was lying awake on my bed, thinking if it was wrong not to go.

Besides the fact that I wouldn't be allowed to fly to Japan for just a few hours...

I didn't manage to say "goodbye" last month.

And now, I can't say "goodbye" to you even though an opportunity has been thrown right in my face.

Maybe it's a good thing I'm not there.

If I'm there, this chapter will come to a close for me.

To lay a wreath over your grave...

To me, it means that you are gone for good.

When in fact, you're not.

You're still here.

You still live on in my heart.

The memories of you are still fresh as spring.

And anyway, the song I wrote for you...

It's not completed yet.

I guess, I will close this chapter myself.

Maybe with this song.

This song that is so painful to sing.

Too painful to even say the words.

I hope when this song for you is completed,

I can close this chapter.

Cos I've been lingering around the last page of this chapter for too long.

Like an actor who didn't know the story he was in

Who didn't know how the story ends

When the silver lining begins to gradually take over,

When the morning begins,

I'll be in the next chapter

My brother was being funny yesterday. I honestly don't know if he meant it seriously or not.

The idea of the song was originally birthed from the GazettE's 『白き優鬱』when I realized X JAPAN did exactly what I'm trying to do with this song in 『Last Song』

And so, I used X JAPAN as a reference for ideas. Was toying around on my piano for ideas for guitar solo melody, when my brother said, "That's so YOSHIKI."

And his next comment was, "I don't mind having a YOSHIKI in my house."

Like Hmmmmm...

I'm not YOSHIKI, and never will be. But I guess, in ways, I have been influenced by him.

And indeed, my song for the beautiful flower that's blooming in heaven sounds a tad bit like X JAPAN's ballads. (Although I personally think that the guitar solo sounds a tad like the GazettE)

But having a YOSHIKI in the house?

He meant it literally or as a figure of speech? ha ha...

When saying "I won't cry" helps no more

And this is how I got by 1 month of no longer having him around.

I locked up the tears and the pain. Yes, locked them up.

And I thought...

I was fine. I thought I had gotten over it.

But today, when I somehow unknowingly unlocked the pain,

it came to me all too overwhelmingly.

So fresh, like everything happened yesterday.

And the tears wouldn't stop. Wouldn't be contained.

Even though I tried so hard to hold them back,

they wouldn't listen.

These tears that I locked up because I promised I wouldn't cry for you.

Because I promised I would smile for you.

Even if this past month, everything I thought was a lie...

Even if everything regarding you is a lie...

I managed to get by.

I managed to smile and continue with life.

Even if I was just burying myself,

even if I was just numbing the pain with school, with work, with music.

Now I realize the one thing that ever held true for me is this:

The only person who will be there for me is myself.

The only one who can save me is myself.

There's no one.

I can't even face God yet. So much struggling.

If the truth is gonna shatter this little haven I set up to protect myself from the pain, then I choose to live in a lie forever...

Because I want to continue thinking that I will see you again.

I want to continue thinking that you're in a beautiful place right now.

The truth hurts.

That's what everybody says.

And if the truth really hurts, then I'd rather never return to God.

I finally understand how it feels to lose someone so dear.

I finally understand why it took 10 years to move on.

Because I found out that even if it seems I'm moving on,

there's a part of me that's stuck at 9 August 2009.

I'm sorry.

Even though I promised I wouldn't cry cos I know you wouldn't want me to, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out like a baby once again.

Like 1 month ago.

I'm so sorry... I didn't keep that promise...

ごめんね・・・

ごめんね・・・

ごめんね・・・

The beautiful Jasmine that blooms

I came across this tea shop by the name of "O-cha"

Under the "Iced-cha" menu, I took a look at the drinks.
And at the very end of it, it stated "Jasmine Sencha"

And the first word brought tears to my eyes.
Cos it made me remember that your favorite drink was "Jasmine green tea".

Jasmine...

Rose...

It's only now that I realize I don't know how to deal with the pain of losing you.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to accept reality.

And so, I choose the easiest way out.
I run away.
I deceive myself.
Even now, I still hold onto a wish that will never come true.
I still believe in a hope that is futile.

In the end, I fought back those tears that threaten to fall so easily at the thought of you.
Partly cos I was in public, and also because...

I promised you I wouldn't cry for you.
I promised you I would smile for you.
I promised you I would be strong and carry on.

Even now, I will still choose the easy way out.
Unless, somebody teaches me how to deal with it.

If not, I'll carry a smile on my face.
Carry the memories of you in my heart.
Carry the ghost of your voice.
Carry the rose that blooms eternally on my finger.
Carry the tears of that fateful day.
And carry on with life.

Even as we head towards the future, the scars of yesterday will always remain.

Until your distress sleeps, fill me up with your grief.
Dance, dance for me. Until I fall asleep, dance for me.

08/12

I didn't go, I hope you don't mind.
Hope you understand

It's really over now.
Can't wish you'd wake up now, can I?

It still hurts.
Tears still flow, even though I'm able to control them better now.
1 week... it's been 1 week, and it's still so hard to accept reality.

I didn't say a proper goodbye then.
Didn't know that would be the last time I would see you.

Ya know, I never learned to say goodbye, never learned phrases in Jap class for deaths and funerals. So pardon me if I can't express myself properly in your native language.
But you know my heart, don't you?

Even now, I won't say goodbye.
Cos we'll meet again.
Even if not on earth, we'll meet in heaven.
Till then, please watch over me.
Till then, please let us meet in my dreams.

さようなら。天国でまた会うよ。

I don't wish to believe so, but it seems that it's really goodbye now.

Somehow, I still harbor some hope that you'll open your eyes again.

Maybe I'm being childish, but I don't want to believe I'll never see you again.

Because the promises you made, they have not been fulfilled yet.

Your promises to Soan-san, to Kaya, to your band...

I've not even fulfilled my promise I made with the 5 of you yet.

But you didn't wait to see it come true, though you smiled and said you'd wait for that day.

You know, fulfilling the promise feels incomplete now that you aren't here anymore.

さようならね、大好きなあなたへ。

天国でまた会うよ。

約束だよ。

We couldn't fulfill our previous promise.

Let's fulfill this promise.

Don't forget and wait for me this time, alright?

R.I.P once again

this time round, it's Jasmine You who died.

Great friend, great bassist.

I'm sorry I didn't spend enough time knowing you while you were still around.

I don't know...

I'm crushed.

At a loss for words to say...

We're all crushed.

I don't believe it.

I don't want to believe it.

Reality is such a bitch.
Life is an even bigger bitch.

Why did this have to happen?

This feeling seems so familiar.
Feels like my fault again...

Didn't pray enough.
Didn't care enough.

Where he is now...
My fault?

Yes, most probably.
Most definitely.

Tribute

The King of Pop passed away...

Along with the news comes a few million devastated hearts.

Michael Jackson has been a major influence in the world of pop music, and he'll definitely be dearly missed by those who have been touched by his songs.

I, for one, will definitely remember him. Michael Jackson was an influential person during my childhood. I remember the videotape (at that time, VCDs and DVDs were not birthed yet) I ever owned was Michael Jackson's Dangerous videotape. Most probably pirated, since my parents bought it from Malaysia but that ain't the point. After watching that videotape for the first time, it became a routine for me in my childhood years to watch that videotape at least once a day.

It was because of Michael Jackson that I became interested in music and dreamed to become a famous artiste one day.
And fast forward close to 20 years later, I am on the road to fulfilling my dream. That dream never wavered. Never stopped nagging in my mind.

The events leading up to his death have been sad ones, overshadowing the amazing talents of the King of Pop.
But I hope that the King of Pop will be remembered not for the wrong things he has done, but for the legacy he has left in the world of pop music.

笑

アン様のブログから。

自分の手で手に入れたＣＤ：priceless

お金で買えない価値がある。
　　買えるものはOpererCard で。

笑。MasterCardの広告じゃないか？
ならでは｢MasterCard｣は｢OpererCard｣になった。笑

摩天楼オペラの初めアルバム『ANOMIE』は6月24日に発売する！
是非買ってくださいね。

以上の広告は『ANOMIE』の広告です♪

英語に翻訳する：

Having the CD in your own hands: priceless

There are some things money can't buy.
　　For everything else, there's OpererCard.

レコーディング終わりました！

original entry here.


Recording completed!

Ahh...
I'm hungry.
Cos I didn't eat my dinner at all...

Anyway,
Instrumental recording was just completed. Vocal recording will be tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.
I'll do my best.

Good night.

Recording

I'm doing recording again.

I've gotta rush this project out to be submitted and approved by the Girls' Brigade Captain of the 76th Coy (that's a long title when I can just mention her name right? lol)

Actually, I've already finished recording the skeleton of the song, it's just the vocals that needs to be recorded. And since the skeleton is done, I am playing around and adding more sounds and effects to the song.

I'm still trying to figure out who should be the vocalist? Should I get a little girl to do it for me? Or should I do it myself............?

Hmm... This is a big headache.................

regarding my post on suicide,

A friend asked me, "how do we live our lives to the fullest and without regrets?"

And it got me thinking...

I thought...







and thought...









and thought...













and realized that there's no way we can do it.



But I think...

that by looking ahead and not focusing on the past,
it's a sign of not wanting to live a life of regrets.

because I think regrets belong to the past.

And I think whatever we do, let us think it over carefully. Lest we regret it in the future to come.
If we really decide on something, let us not regret about what will happen with the decision that we made.




As for living our lives to the fullest, I think...

let's love ourselves and cherish our lives.

After all, I didn't say live our lives to the most meaningful.

But let's do the little we can to make a change in this world. Let's start with us.
Even if the world doesn't change, even if the world laughs,
I think we'll be happy with what we've done.

お疲れ様でした☆

original entry here.


Thank you for your hard work☆

The scenery is beautiful isn't it?
The sky as well...

It's gonna be an awesome film.
Please check it out after I upload it.

suicide

Some days back, an undergraduate stabbed his professor and then committed suicide in school.
And when I saw his mother's grief on the papers, I was reminded of someone whose father committed suicide in his early 30s. And I was then reminded of his best friend who died in a tragic accident, also in his early 30s. Some people speculated that it was suicide, but I firmly believe it was nothing more than a tragic accident.

That someone is a person whom I can understand very well, like I'm a part of him. And remembering all these, I felt the mother's grief with her.

And then I thought...

Isn't suicide such a selfish thing?
What would happen to the ones who love you dearly? What would they be put through if you decided to end your life? Who can imagine the grief and the emotional pain they go through?

So let's not take our lives, alright?
Let's live for the sake of those who love us, if not for ourselves.

Even if you feel like there's no one in this world who loves you, there DEFINITELY is someone out there who does.
So let's not give up our lives even if it seems like the best way out.




Anyway, as for his best friend who died tragically, I am still quite rather affected by it. Thinking about the incident still brings tears to my eyes though it's been more than 10 years.

I am filled with regret. And I think "If only..., maybe..."

So many "If only..., maybe..."s

If only I knew he existed back then, maybe he wouldn't be where I think he is now.
If only I knew about this person back then, maybe that accident would not have happened, and I probably could have spared that someone the agony he had to go through.

If only...

And I blame myself for it.
Although as Andy said it's not my fault. But still, I am filled with regret at the thought of knowing I could perhaps change his life and maybe even change the course of time, but am unable to do so. I am filled with regret that I never knew such a wonderful, caring person existed in this world until he was gone.

Let's live our lives to the fullest and without regrets, alright?

♥♥♥
YURI

Moving on

http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=1000278930&blogID=470688915

So after 10 years, you finally decided to move on.
It's a really painful decision that you made. But we'll all stand by you and your decision.

Never forget those memories that all of you created when you were under the same roof. Never forget the family that all of you founded through those years of bonding that runs deep. And even as you continue your journey without them, be assured that each and every one of us will support the decision you made, even though the family will seem incomplete without you around.

Continue to sing and play your guitar and remember that we will support you in whatever you do.

2009. New year, new possibilities.

Even when nothing seems to go right, even when the future seems bleak, even through the tears and the broken heart, remember these words "I'll be your love. I'll be your light. I'll never make you feel, feel alone. If yesterday blindfolds your eyes, I'll bring you tomorrow."

We'll always be here for you. More than friends - we're your family, ready to welcome you with open arms anytime.

Till the rain stops in silence, I'll be there to hold your heart

♥♥♥
YURI