When saying "I won't cry" helps no more

And this is how I got by 1 month of no longer having him around.

I locked up the tears and the pain. Yes, locked them up.

And I thought...

I was fine. I thought I had gotten over it.

But today, when I somehow unknowingly unlocked the pain,

it came to me all too overwhelmingly.

So fresh, like everything happened yesterday.

And the tears wouldn't stop. Wouldn't be contained.

Even though I tried so hard to hold them back,

they wouldn't listen.

These tears that I locked up because I promised I wouldn't cry for you.

Because I promised I would smile for you.

Even if this past month, everything I thought was a lie...

Even if everything regarding you is a lie...

I managed to get by.

I managed to smile and continue with life.

Even if I was just burying myself,

even if I was just numbing the pain with school, with work, with music.

Now I realize the one thing that ever held true for me is this:

The only person who will be there for me is myself.

The only one who can save me is myself.

There's no one.

I can't even face God yet. So much struggling.

If the truth is gonna shatter this little haven I set up to protect myself from the pain, then I choose to live in a lie forever...

Because I want to continue thinking that I will see you again.

I want to continue thinking that you're in a beautiful place right now.

The truth hurts.

That's what everybody says.

And if the truth really hurts, then I'd rather never return to God.

I finally understand how it feels to lose someone so dear.

I finally understand why it took 10 years to move on.

Because I found out that even if it seems I'm moving on,

there's a part of me that's stuck at 9 August 2009.

I'm sorry.

Even though I promised I wouldn't cry cos I know you wouldn't want me to, I'm sitting here crying my eyes out like a baby once again.

Like 1 month ago.

I'm so sorry... I didn't keep that promise...

ごめんね・・・

ごめんね・・・

ごめんね・・・