For You

Written and dedicated to my best friend, Matthew.
I originally planned to write a song to commemorate 10 years of friendship, but I needed songs for my recital you see...
So... you get the point. Ha ha ha.

But then, next month marks 8 years of friendship,
and to be honest, I've never had a friend that lasted that long.

And Matt's really important cos he taught me many things,
the meaning of frienship,
the value of friendship,
and he taught me to put people above myself.

For that,
I think he deserves a shout-out for all he has done,
and all the ways he has influenced me =)

Thank you Matt,
enjoy your time trudging through mud in the forest =D
having your uniform turn from green to orange (ha ha ha!!)
suffering in army while I stand on stage in an air-con room and sing through the mic =P

Okay,
that was just plain evil ha ha ha!

Thank you Matt,
for 8 years of standing by me,
and for being an awesome friend.
For always putting up with my nonsense and childish acts.
I probably have infuriated you to no end over these 8 years,
and it's still a miracle you haven't died of cardiac arrest yet (lol!)

You said I taught you never to give up,
and that "when there's a will, there's a way".
But you always had that never-say-die fighting spirit in you,
and you were always up for challenges and never backed down from whatever that was thrown your way.

In fact,
I think I learned it from you instead.
Enjoy this song, and remember to bawl your eyes out on my full recital cos this isn't the full version hahaha!!
I think the song will be 7min long at this rate =P
Never mind, for full recital,
the longer the song, the better =D
Lesser songs to do, less lyrics to memorize hahaha!

And in 2 years' time,
I promise to write another song for you,
this time hopefully suitable for a bass slap solo =D
Just for your listening and learning pleasure ^^

F SHARP

Thanks to this video, I found another awesome musician.

Tim Minchin's hilarious, and he's seriously damn freaking good.
Hear his pitching?
OMG AT HIS RELATIVE PITCH!!!!!

I should cover this song one day.
Just for the fun of it,
and to irritate the crap out of everyone with that "F shaaaaaaaaaaarp" =D

p.s: I found this song quite some time back, but this song has been replaying itself in my head for the whole of today I just had to post it here.

For You

It's still the month of August, so I'm not too late am I?

With love... once again

Once again, we've reached this day.
Somehow, I never want to reach this day.

Remember how last year I was so full of sadness and pain?
I rained curses and wishes of disaster to happen upon every single person in this country so no one would be happy again.

Remember how I wrote a letter to you a month back?
Saying I still wished for it?

You reprimanded me thoroughly.
So I promise you,
I won't be so selfish or so self-centered anymore,
I won't hurt the people around me, nor exact revenge, all in hope to heal the wound in my heart a little more.

Everyone has their own choice,
and you changed mine.
Still, let me be selfish.
Let me be a little rebellious towards you.

I can't smile or be happy.
I don't dare to.
Because I'm really afraid to forget you.
As long as I move forward,
memories will fade,
no matter how much I try to stop it from happening.
And pain is the only way I can ascertain that you once lived and you aren't a part of my imagination nor my dream.

I know you'd want me to smile and celebrate together with the rest of the country,
but please let me retain this bit of selfishness to be able to remember you.
For now,
and if I could allow it,
for forever.

Please rest in peace and bloom beautifully.
Till we meet again.

Music

Went to Jon's school production last night with my brother, and it was a... uhh... *trying to find the words*... unique experience (ahaha!!)

The bands are not professional, of course.
And the audience consisted mainly of friends and classmates who are usually more forgiving to their clique, and cheer the bands on no matter what.

Under-rehearsed songs, and arrangements that fall flat on your face, pitchy issues, lack of stage presence, and loads of stage spill coming from the monitors because musicians can't hear themselves yet they don't know how to move closer to the monitors (hmm, this point totally boggles my mind), nor do most of the vocalists know how to adjust the mic stand to their height (like HUH!? This is totally mind-blowing) and resort to bending down to the singing into the mic (face palms).

Yet, so many things could be learned from this production.

1) How the tiniest details are so important.
A simple punch requires much rehearsal on the band's part to be able to pull off the impact. If not, it'd fall flat on your face like it did for many of them.
Yet, doing the same punch in the section once too many times, makes it predictable and it loses its edge after 1-2 times as was the case with one of Skillet's songs.

2) a GOOD and TIGHT groove section is essential.
Nao always prided himself on holding the groove tight together with Saga. And yes, without a good drummer who knows what's he doing and playing certainly boosts the band by a lot.
And also, L'Arc~en~Ciel's bassist was totally awesome in their song "Driver's High", holding up the groove and free-ing the guitarists to do solos.

As my brother concluded last night's performances by various NP bands, "some inspire to work hard, others SCARE me to do so" LOL.
Indeed, there is a motivation to work harder whether it was from a good band or a not-so-good one.
I (and neither does my brother) don't want to end up like that, lol.
Nobody does, not if you're looking to be professional.

And it struck me then,
that one can learn even from the people not as good as themselves.
I wouldn't profess to be good,
but I think I've at least improved from where I once was - their current standard.
And much as it sucks to see that kind of standard,
and it's easy to get all critical,
there was a lesson to be learned from it.


My brother and I were listening to songs he put in his phone while we were on the way back.
And I was pointing out some of the arrangements that people hear but never really pay attention to.
We were supposed to be listening out to electric guitar tones but kinda got side-tracked from that, lol.

Still, that lazy bum finally decided to play around with the pedalboard to find tones he liked.
By making me sit at the pedalboard and adjusting the knobs of course lol.
Good training for his ears too, hearing the subtle differences in the tones and deciding for himself which he preferred instead of people choosing it for him.




Also, been totally enthralled by this piano solo played by Kazuki (from SCREW).
Although it's simple (and he's a guitarist in the band too), it has a really nice melody that captured my attention at the start. Trying to play it by ear now =)

Love Will Be Born Again

And here is my keyboard version of Versailles' ballad "Love Will Be Born Again". Decided to use my keyboard instead cos of the strings.

Scarlet Love Song

X JAPAN - Scarlet Love Song

Diploma Recital

Everything is still a blur to me.

I have no idea what happened last night,
everything is vague.

My performance,
my emceeing,
I remember talking about Matt, but I can't remember what.

Lol.

Pet, you really need to upload the videos soon.
I can't wait to see myself on stage performing.
I just don't wanna hear my horrible pitching which was shot to death right after "Psyche" lol.

The President of the college, Alistair, was apparently very impressed by my performance, he actually came up and talked to me and gave me pointers to take note of.
I remember him emphasizing a lot on my honesty and risk-taking, ha ha.
Honesty?
Perhaps... it's easiest for me to be honest when I'm standing there on stage.
Even if people want to hide and pretend,
for me it's the only place (minus writing in blogs) I can be myself,
and be true to myself,
my feelings,
my thoughts.

And I think he only congratulated the previous people on a wonderful performance.
Hmmm...

Waiting for the videos now...
I might even upload them on Youtube, depending on how awesome the performance is, ha ha!

1 May

Happy 22nd birthday to my most beloved best friend Matthew =)

I'm glad you enjoyed yesterday,
despite the simplicity of it all.

Goal achieved,
and I hope you managed to catch up with the others who came,
even though I was monopolizing you the whole afternoon lol.

It was really memorable,
for me too.
Thes best thing I got out of it was your smile.
That was the thing that made me knew we succeeded straight away.

Thank you so much for your SMS.
My eyes welled up, and almost cried in school during rehearsal at night cos I was so touched.

"Hey monster allowyn!! Haha thanks for organizing this year's birthday celebration for me :) if its one thing u've taught me through these years it is this phrase 'if there's a will, there's a way'!!"

I always thought this was one-sided, ha ha.
After all you always liked to disturb me lol.
You said it was your number one entertainment lol.
To a certain degree,
I still miss that ya know? Lol

But I'm glad really.
I'm really happy that I (probably) mean as much to you as you mean to me.

It's been almost 8 years of friendship,
cos we met sometime in December 2003, remember?

And all this time,
we watched each other grow up.
And all these years,
you grew more and more important to me.

I love you best friend.
And Happy Birthday once again.

Saw my birthday message to you?
It's the sweetest thing ever right?
HA HA!!
My hand nearly cramped drawing so many ♥s lol.
Only I will do something like that lol.

I won't ever forget yesterday either.

With many hugs and kisses and ♥s,
Carolyn






Now with one overwhelming emotion out,
I can talk about other things, lol.

How can one be so overwhelmed with so many conflicting emotions at the same time?
I don't know...

Everything's gone confusing.
Stressful.
And everyone's showing their true colors.

It's scary.
And sad.
Because no matter what,
you should not,and I repeat,
should NOT,
sacrifice your friend just for your own benefit.

I understand we all want to do well,
put up a great show,
but last minute saying you can't make it to rehearsals,
especially when you know your friend has not had a single rehearsal,
is not acceptable, no matter what the reason.

Commitment is not just a word.
It's a promise.
And action.

That is why I never like to make promises.
Because promises become cheap if we can't live up to it.

I will only promise when I know and decide that I want to give it my all,
do my best,
and show my commitment.
Because I find,
the saddest thing that can ever happen is when you make a promise,
but in the end, break it.

And it's even more disappointing,
how people are so unsympathetic,
so unfeeling to others' stress,
and they just demand things their own way.

Like c'mon,
not like I want to stay till 1am in school everyday.
And it's not like they wanted to fail their theory papers.
The least I can do, with the amount of humanity I have in me,
is to help others right?
Whatever time they can make it,
I have to comply, no?
Cos everyone of us have different schedules,
we just have to see how to fit in our free time.

And it's not like, I want to rehearse so late at night.
You people don't give a damn about our exams,
and you just call to create a din,
accuse people
or demand us out of the practice room right now.

There should be some compromise really.
Who wants to forgo their sleep?

Family-wise, I'm past being angry and disappointed.
Because it's not worth any of my emotions anymore.
It's always been like that,
even my classmates don't understand how I can tolerate this.

I don't either.
But perhaps it's because of incidents like this that happen all the time,
my character is like that. Lol.
Never say die, and probably can't die from this either.

Prayer

Let music convey what we can't put in words.


from HIZAKI to Japan.

Our thoughts and prayers will always be with you.

わくせいはくせい、もくせいもくせい

Such lame puns...

Somehow I read them again,
those puns you wrote.

And it brought back memories.
And I cried.

Promising to always keep your birthday and death anniversary for you,
yet this year I completely forgot your birthday.

I remember,
you told me these puns to make me laugh,
though most of the time I either didn't understand or rolled my eyes,
this time I smiled.

I could smile,
even though those memories hurt.
It's funny how something so beautiful,
so precious,
can hurt like hell.

But this is what you would have wanted right?
For us to continue smiling and looking ahead to the future.

But still,
even now,
I think that life was unfair to you.
Even now,
I wish I could take your place.

Even now,
I still say selfish things like "I want you back",
even now,
I still miss you.

Song for Japan

(Still my favorite photo, by the way!! Somebody buy me a DSLR already!! LOL)

I'll be honest.

I don't know what to write about,
what to sing about.

I don't know what to say,
how to bring my feelings across.

Because,
whatever I say or write,
to me,
it still feels hypocritical.

Because I will never understand your pain.
I will never understand the depth of your suffering.

It's so easy to say words like,
『頑張って！』,
or "Be strong!",
or "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

But words are cheap aren't they?
And sometimes,
using words to describe our feelings just cheapen the deep feelings that we have.

That's why I can't even put words down into a song.
I feel like I'm making everything cheap.

Maybe sometime later on,
when I can gather up my courage to put my feelings into words,
when I can gather up the courage to write encouragement into a song without making it sound like a farce,
maybe sometime later,
when it happens,
then I'll write a song for Japan.
For her victims and survivors.

Or maybe,
by that time,
a song would be redundant already.

GAMBATTE! JAPAN from Singapore

Thank you to everyone who appeared.
(Oh wait, that includes me!! Thank you to "me"!! Lol)

BluJaz was packed full of people,
and I cannot tell you how much gratitude I personally have for everyone who came.

Japan means so much to me,
and to everyone who went to support the fund-raiser.
Despite our difference in nationality,
I could feel the strong bond that bonded every single person in BluJaz together.

Singaporean,
Japanese,
Australian,
whatever nationality,
it didn't matter anymore.

We were brothers and sisters.
United in the cause of our desire to help Japan.

As Aya said,
"It's a miraculous night".
Indeed it is.

Every musician who played tonight,
showed their heart,
and their support,
hoping to transmit their feelings, thoughts, support and encouragement over to the people who were hanging on in Japan.

I hope our feelings came through.

Our sweat,
our voices,
our music,
our tears.

Yes, tears.
I was talking to Darren about Japan,
and I was telling him about the CNN report (please read my wordpress blog),
and I cried again.
Haven't been able to stop crying for Japan ever since Sunday.
It's terrible.
How did my tears flow so easily?

Darren's such a sweet guy,
with such a huge heart for Japan.
Seriously, Maho is a really lucky woman to have Darren.
And she has so much compassion for her country too.
She was one of the main organizers for this fund-raiser.
They're such wonderful people.

Thank you everyone once again.
I cannot thank everyone enough,
cos I'm gonna cry again.

Charity support for Japan

Some fund-raising campaigns for Japan to take note of.

Maho, Aya, Darren and their Japanese friends living in Singapore are organizing a charity to garner support for the people in Japan.
It's called "GAMBATTE! JAPAN from Singapore".

Details can be found here.
All the money will be given to Mercy Relief.

Also, all (and that means 100%) the money from CDs and other items sold there will be donated to Mercy Relief.

Please go down to Blujaz tomorrow night and show your support to Japan.

Also
there is a "SHOW YOUR HEART" fund-raising campaign in Japan for the victims.
A lot of artists in Japan have joined in this campaign.

For information on how to donate, please go here.
Unfortunately, the website is all in Japanese.

Please take note that there have been malignant chain-mails claiming to be from "SHOW YOUR HEART".
This is a fraud, and does not in any way solicit with "SHOW YOUR HEART" fund.
Please check carefully before donating.
(Such actions irks me. How can people be so heartless as to make use of the people suffering to swindle some extra pocket money!? Karma will befall you, and I hope it hits you HARD)

Y is also auctioning off his signature KAWAI crystal grand to aid in the fund-raising of the Japanese people.
I really love that piano,
but I know my parents won't and can't fork out millions of dollars for it.
So if anyone wants to buy it for me as a gift,
please do so.
The people in Japan will be immensely grateful,
and so will I =P

Ok, so I was kidding in the paragraph above.
No, I mean the auctioning is for real, but the donation of the piano to me is completely optional of course.

On a serious note,
I know there are a lot more fund-raising campaigns around the world for the Japan quake and tsunami,
but there are also fake charities going around,
so I advise everyone to be wary and check before giving your money.

Whichever aid relief organization you give to,
the citizens of Japan and I thank you heartily for your donation, no matter how small.
Every small bit goes a long way,
together we can make a difference to the lives of the people suffering in Japan.

Thank you.

Pray for Japan

Perhaps I don't have the right to say anything,
perhaps I don't have the right to be sad for Japan,
perhaps I don't have the right to even want to help Japan.

After all, Singapore is so sheltered from every natural disaster possible,
to say "I feel your pain" would be nothing short of a lie,
of hypocrisy.

But I'm so sad.
Till my tears won't stop falling.
Perhaps I don't even have the right to cry for those who are suffering,
but I can't seem to stop them.

And I don't know if prayers will work,
because my thoughts are so clouded,
and I hear those 2 familiar voices in my head telling me what to do,
contradicting each other so much I wish I could cover my ears to shut them up,
but they just won't and can't shut up no matter what I do.

I don't even know if my prayers will seem shallow,
but they probably will,
since I've never been through such calamity I can't feel that same anguish so many people in Japan are experiencing right now.

It's really unfair.
To not be able to help.
To not be able to understand.

I feel like a bystander,
looking at everything through a window,
unable to reach my hand out and help.

Perhaps, I'm not even allowed the rights to have such thoughts to help either...

But I'll still pray.
Even though sentences can't seem to form,
even though I don't know what I'm saying,
even though I can't seem to gather my thoughts.

My prayers will have to come in the form of words typed out.
Because this is the only way I can rearrange the puzzle and lessen the fog in my head.
Because this is the only way I can shut those 2 voices up for a while.

I pray,
for the people suffering in Japan.
I'll never be able to fully understand,
or even comprehend the situation they are in now.
I may not be the right person to offer any words of comfort or encouragement cos it may seem jarring to those hearing it,
but I pray that help reaches those in need a.s.a.p.
Hygiene level in disaster hit areas are dropping rapidly,
and there aren't enough clean diapers for babies in those affected areas.
And lack of fuel prevents trucks carrying help from reaching these people in such desperate needs.

I pray,
for those who family members and friends are still missing.
Even as the clock ticks,
hope slowly diminishes.
But please,
somehow,
through some miracle,
any miracle,
let those missing people be found alive.
I can't imagine the anguish of finding out that your family member died in the earthquake or got washed away by the tsunami.
I can't imagine the growing anxiety as each day passes yet news of loved ones doesn't reach your ears.

I pray,
for the nuclear disaster in Fukushima.
Please,
don't let a nuclear meltdown occur.
Please,
let everything remain safe.
Please,
don't allow any nuclear radiation to escape.
Even as Japan faces an energy shortage crisis right now,
please let power supply be restored soon.

Everytime I think about the sad fate of Minamisanriku,
I can't help but cry.
I can't help but imagine the terrifying moment the tsunami came and engulfed them.
The huge wall of water lunging towards them,
realizing that they needed to get to higher ground,
their desperate scramble against the tide of time and water that came crashing towards them.
Many didn't survive,
so many were washed away.
Who can fully comprehend that few seconds,
that few minutes when Nature came and destroyed everything and everyone in its path?

It's really just too sad.
The people,
the town,
the before and after,
the ruins.

I pray,
for everyone who lost their loved ones in this disaster.
You probably might find this prayer really shallow and hypocritical,
coming from someone who has been sheltered from such disasters all her life.
Perhaps, any form of encouraging words may already sound jarring to your ears,
but in any case,
I pray that you will find the strength to carry on living,
find the strength to be strong.
it's difficult,
but do-able.





Thankfully, G told me that my care and concern isn't hypocrisy.
Whatever way we can help,
we should help.
Because at this point,
every smallest action,
to those who are in need,
is a very big action.

No matter how sad we are,
we need to stay strong.
Because the Japanese people who are suffering,
who are worrying about their missing loved ones,
need our encouragement and strength to keep them going.
So I won't cry.
I'll try not to.
Because Japan needs us.

Happy Valentine's Day

In all honesty, I'm just saying that for the sake of saying it.

Valentine's Day holds no meaning for me (ok, so this year at least I did do something Valentine's Day-ish today. Speaking of which, that guy sure is a difficult person to read. I can't tell if he's being genuinely nice or...).

Last night,
I had a nightmare.
It's been a long time since I had nightmares of that sort,
and I woke up and cried.

I wonder why...

Dreaming of the days leading up my grandmother's death,
and in my dream I was in fact, more caring.

Could it be the guilt I've been unconsciously carrying?
The guilt of not caring,
and saying I don't care if she lives or dies,
seems like my words are coming back to haunt me.
And prove that those were not my true feelings.

I wonder why I dreamt of her though...

My grandfathers never visited me in my dreams,
neither did Yuuichi.
So why her?

Maybe I don't really want to know either.

I'm just, really sorry, grandma.
It's probably too late to say all these now,
but I regret so much.
For disliking you from such a young age,
always thinking you were such a chore because you had difficulties walking and were always so slow.
I was never patient with you,
and I never bothered to do more than what I was instructed to do,
hoping to get it over and done with a.s.a.p,
so I could leave and disappear the sooner the better.

It's really too late right?
Somehow, the song I wrote for you comes back to haunt me,
the lyrics cutting deeper into my heart than usual.

I'm crying as I write this.
It's been so long since I last cried.

I refused to cry when you passed away, remember?
I never cried for you.
So now, it's so weird that the tears can flow so easily cos they've never flowed like this for so long.

I don't know if you'll ever hear me,
but if you do,
please come, attend my recital.
Hear me out, and forgive my selfishness.
Cos I'll sing for you.
I'll sing for you then.