X'mas

X'mas yet again.
A festive season that signals the end of the year.
A time of thanksgiving,
a time of giving,
a time of celebration,
a time of shopping,
...
...
...
A time of reflection.

This year has been busy. Crazy busy.
I barely had time to think and reflect.

I made new friends,
I gave up friends.

Looking back,
it feels like I gave up many things this year.
Friends,
Relationships,
Music.
Just to pursue something, I gave up almost everything.

No man is an island,
yet I spent the bulk of this year in solitude.
Being alone, refusing to talk to people,
to interact with them.

It also brought to light just how single-minded I can be,
to simply discard things without a second thought in pursuit of what I want.

Is it time to reconcile?
I'm not sure.
It'd be good, but I'm so used to this feeling of estrangement it feels weird to go back.

Like, what's the point of sitting down and catching up?
It's pointless talk, and also,
it's not like I can actually explain what went on in the past few months I disappeared.
Even if I did, who would understand?
Wouldn't the time be better spent on doing something productive?
Like studying.
And job-hunting.

There's nothing there anymore anyway.
Everybody else moves on.
To go back and look at the remains of what was would be pointless.
I created this wall, so there's no one else I can blame.

I'll Be Your Love

I wanted to get this out by A's birthday. I did. But I didn't manage to upload it on the day itself.

Oh well.

I didn't even manage to gift it to him. Bah.

9 August

I'm late.

I've never been late.

It only goes to show how much I've moved on since then.
I don't wanna forget you still,
but I guess I am.

Every year I used to be angry,
bitter,
grieving.

This year, I'm far too focussed on getting my Mr. Right to think about you.
Sorry.

I've moved on,
S has moved on,
K has moved on.
We've all moved on.

You can stop worrying about us now.
Rest in peace,
and bloom beautifully in heaven.

サヨウナラ

俺のことは忘れて下さいね。
Please forget about me.

These words scare the crap out of me.
I already know that this relationship isn't very healthy,
Cos I give up a lot,
I sacrifice a lot.

I gave up my dreams,
I was willing to compromise just so that he stays happy,
I'd choose to suffer than let him suffer.

Now I'm not sure though,
Just how long this can continue.

But I can't let go.
Not when he needs emotional support.
I promised I'd always be there when he needs someone,
I can't pack up and leave now.

He's thought of suicide before.
I'm afraid he'd go that way again.
I can't let that happen.

So I'll choose to stay,
I'll choose to suffer than let him.
Even if I have to let new loves go,
I'll stay as his pillar of support.

It's not healthy,
But I will choose this path because I cannot let anything happen to him.
Even if feelings change,
He'll always be precious to me.

Post-CELTA

Guys who are filial enough to spend time with their parents are really sexy, don't you think?
And very passionate about their work too.

Major turn-on.

I'm almost done with my course.
Did a great job on my last teaching,
both my tutor and A were really proud of me, especially since clarification lessons are the hardest.
And I got a good grade.

On the verge of losing friends and my boyfriend (if I've not lost him already. I've cut off contact with him for 7 weeks, it feels too late to restart communication),
Already suffering withdrawal symptoms,
Found new friends and comrades,
Met lovely, eager-to-learn students,
Found a new love, who just like S, is both passionate about his work and filial to his parents.

I know he doesn't see me in the same way but it's OK.
I'm happy being in the same place he is,
watching him work,
having him "dump" students on me.

I'm not sure how I'll get back to normal life.
I'm not even sure if I want to.

When Opposites Attract (Playing with Fire)

I met the most amazing man.

He's smart,
He's funny,
He's entertaining,
He's quirky.

He's dangerous,
He's mysterious,
He's someone from a different world,
One I've never been in.

He makes me laugh,
He makes me smile,
He makes me feel like everything is gonna alright.
He takes my stress away.

He's amazingly patient,
He's always willing to help.
He doesn't take credit for the ideas he gave to us,
But compliments us like it was completely our own.

He's brilliant at both English and Chinese,
Who else do I know who's this good?
He has a (*ahem* sexy) English accent,
And a completely different (but equally *ahem* sexy) Mandarin one.

He's no saint, but he sure feels like one. Or maybe I'm just playing with fire again.

breeze ～彩られた記憶～

So glad I managed to get this up before V Day is over, phew!
And to send the link to the Mr as a surprise cos I told him I didn't plan anything.

ENMITY Digital Release!

It is with great pleasure that I announce my VERY FIRST release on iTunes!

YAY!

Finally... I spent an entire year churning this one song out, and I'm actually pretty happy about it.

I was wondering whether I should put it up on iTunes or not, and I realized I had a few friends who wanted this song, so I thought, "why not?"

The song is available for download on Google Play Store, iTunes and Spotify.
Google Play Store for music is not available in my region and I don't have Spotify so can't check, but below is the iTunes link.
iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/en/album/id1081858594

For people living in Japan, here is the link

Do download and have a listen.
Hope you guys like the song!

郷愁の空

First upload of 2016.

I'm really happy with how this came out. Minus the video editing.
I had to do the bare minimal because my Macbook kept crashing and I had to restart it like, 10 times just to edit the video.

Welcome to 2016.
When your laptop crashes on you on the first night of the year,
you know it's not gonna bode well for the rest of the year lol.
I need a new Mac for sure.
Let's see how I can persuade my dad to get a new one for me teehee.