Happy Valentine's Day

In all honesty, I'm just saying that for the sake of saying it.

Valentine's Day holds no meaning for me (ok, so this year at least I did do something Valentine's Day-ish today. Speaking of which, that guy sure is a difficult person to read. I can't tell if he's being genuinely nice or...).

Last night,
I had a nightmare.
It's been a long time since I had nightmares of that sort,
and I woke up and cried.

I wonder why...

Dreaming of the days leading up my grandmother's death,
and in my dream I was in fact, more caring.

Could it be the guilt I've been unconsciously carrying?
The guilt of not caring,
and saying I don't care if she lives or dies,
seems like my words are coming back to haunt me.
And prove that those were not my true feelings.

I wonder why I dreamt of her though...

My grandfathers never visited me in my dreams,
neither did Yuuichi.
So why her?

Maybe I don't really want to know either.

I'm just, really sorry, grandma.
It's probably too late to say all these now,
but I regret so much.
For disliking you from such a young age,
always thinking you were such a chore because you had difficulties walking and were always so slow.
I was never patient with you,
and I never bothered to do more than what I was instructed to do,
hoping to get it over and done with a.s.a.p,
so I could leave and disappear the sooner the better.

It's really too late right?
Somehow, the song I wrote for you comes back to haunt me,
the lyrics cutting deeper into my heart than usual.

I'm crying as I write this.
It's been so long since I last cried.

I refused to cry when you passed away, remember?
I never cried for you.
So now, it's so weird that the tears can flow so easily cos they've never flowed like this for so long.

I don't know if you'll ever hear me,
but if you do,
please come, attend my recital.
Hear me out, and forgive my selfishness.
Cos I'll sing for you.
I'll sing for you then.