Days

There are days I get scared,
I get insecure,
I fear the future.
And it makes me want to run away,
to end it all.

But, that's silly, isn't it?
To end something on unfounded fears.

1 year 11 months.
It feels like we have gone nowhere from when we first started.
It feels like he's so far away.
It feels like I can't reach him while so many others can.
It feels like I'm not good enough.
It feels like someday, somebody will snatch him away.

Whether I'm in a relationship or not,
this sense of insecurity still lingers.
Like one day, it will all end. Badly.
Like I'll get betrayed.

Do I not trust him enough?
Do I not love him enough?
Do I not believe in us enough?

The problem isn't him. It's me.
It's always been.

It doesn't help that last night I dreamt that he was engaged. To someone else.
That he proposed to someone else.

I get scared.
After all, we're 5000km away.
Connected only by a phone application.
Who's to say nothing bad will happen?

Maybe I don't trust him enough.
But I think it's me that I don't trust.
I don't believe in myself.
I don't believe in what he sees in me.
I don't believe that he will like someone like me.
And I guess, until the day I can accept that,
maybe I'll always fear that one day he'll leave me.