P.S I LOVE U

I was listening to this.
And I started thinking.

If I ever had to go before S,
would I want him to find someone new and be happy with her?
Or would I prefer he keeps his promise of love to me even after death I did part?

Because for me, personally,
I would be the latter.

It matters not that our marriage vows state "till death us do part",
because for as long as I live,
even without him by my side,
I'd upkeep my side of the vow.

Even though legally speaking, I'm free from it.

For me,
it's simple reasoning.
I'm afraid.

I'm afraid of forgetting.

To love someone else,
I'm afraid of that person taking his place,
doing what he used to do with me,
slowly erasing those sacred memories that belong to just the two of us.
Even though I know full well every person is unique, and no one else will ever be another him.

I think,
for me,
even after death,
I never want to forget.
I want to continue holding on,
to those precious memories we all know will slowly fade.
Clinging desperately to them like a shipwrecked person would a driftwood.
So he never gets erased.
From my mind nor my heart.

I'd choose to live in the endless grief of losing someone,

berating myself daily as the pain lessens,

berating myself to carrying on without him,

berating myself as memories start to fade,

than find someone new.

Cos regret and the constant berating of myself is nothing new to me,

but to find someone else, who will replace his position in my life, is something I can and will never forgive myself for.

Wouldn't it be,

the ultimate betrayal,
to love someone else after pledging your eternal love to the one-and-only?

But if I were the one dying,
I think I'd want him to be happy.
Rather than keeping those painfully beautiful memories,
I'd rather he move on with life.
Even if I can't do it myself.

Saying that though,
whether he finds someone else or not,
to me,
would be a test of his love for me.
If he finds someone else, it'd show how much I mean to him.
No matter how much time has passed since my passing.

But if he doesn't,
it'd show his dedication and love to me.
And honestly,
if he ever kept his promise of love to me that way,
I think I'd be very happy too.

Not sure.

It's conflicting.
It's truly conflicting,
but I guess in the end, I'll support him in whatever decision he makes.

We've never discussed this,
I wonder if we should.
It's quite a morbid topic, and I'm trying to figure out why I'm writing such somber thoughts in the middle of the night.